Gender & Me
Gender and I have a hate-love relationship. I both want to break free from it and find comfort in it. I find it unsettling that the gender binary was instilled in me from when I was born. I don’t know whether I like things that are stereotypically “feminine” because I actually like them or because I never had a chance to experience anything else.
I find turmoil in gender, that I feel the need to base my presentation on how others perceive me and how I want to be perceived. I feel the need to dress masculine because I don’t want to be perceived feminine. I like the way I dress, but the fact that it makes people default to she/her hurts me. I had my hair cut and dyed because I wanted to, but part of that want was a desire to appear more gender neutral. I just want to present the way I enjoy, but it comes laced with assumed femininity.
My physical dysphoria is salt in the wound. It’s not always present, sure, it comes and goes, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I have no way of dealing with it other than to throw on the most unassuming clothes possible and not pay attention to it. Dysphoria creates a tightness in the back of my throat and the front of my chest, a chant that this is not my body, that it is unchangeable, unsalvageable.
But my body is not who I am. I get to define my own gender, and I get to define what it means to be me.
Hi Emily, I really enjoyed your blog post! Thank you for being so candid about your struggles with your physical dysphoria with such descriptive words that painted a clear picture of the way you feel internally. I enjoy your commentary on clothing because it may appear to cisgendered people as such an inconsequential part of their day-to-day life. I relate to that part very heavily. Getting dressed is a very daunting task for me every day. I grew up going to private school so skirts were always the norm for girls. Pants were an option, but almost no girls wore them. It's weird now, going to public school, and having the freedom to use the pronouns that I identify with (she/they) and dress however I want. Even though I can dress however I want, I resonate with what you said that, "I feel the need to base my presentation on how others perceive me and how I want to be perceived. " When I dress, I feel that I'm neither feminine enough nor androgynous enough, so I normally try to dress more feminine. I'm still trying to be comfortable in my own body and my pronouns. It's a very difficult, real struggle that a lot of other people feel. Thank you for being so open about your personal challenges and acknowledging that regardless of your body or the way you dress, it doesn't take away from who you are and who you identify as.
ReplyDeleteWow Emily, thanks for getting so vulnerable on your blog! I really liked your last line that "my body is not who I am." Gender really is something that is fluid. for people to explore at their own paces, and the binaries of society often make that journey feel narrow. So, just viewing gender based off of your body can add to that narrow feeling.
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